Pearl Jam Fun

I stumbled across a request for some creative help on the Pearl Jam Reddit board a couple days ago asking for someone to create a Pearl Jam themed speech for a weekly automotive sales meeting that included references to Pearl Jam song titles. I love this kind of creative challenge so I thought I’d take a stab and see if I might help someone out. It is challenging given the nature of song titles but I had a lot of fun doing it and wanted to share the results on here. The titles are formatted to make them easier to detect so here is the output I came up with:

It may be Hard to Imagine but I was Swallowed Whole, All Night, Sleeping By Myself: Sad, Alone, Down. Almost like I was sleeping in Satan’s Bed: Comatose, In the Moonlight of the Yellow Moon (not a SuperBlood Wolfmoon), with some Green Disease that made me imagine I had a Severed Hand eaten off by Rats, Bugs, or some other Animal like perhaps a Dissident Red Mosquito out for my Blood. In the Low Light, all I wanted to do was scream Help Help. Driftin’ Amongst the Waves in my Oceans of Deep thoughts hoping my Education would eventually Let Me Sleep while deciding what I should say here today Comes then Goes.

I feel like a Bu$hleaguer but I Can’t Keep letting this struggle Push Me, Pull Me as the words run around in the Brain of J. like some Gremmie Out of Control as I desperately try to Get Right this weekly meeting’s speech. Worried if I don’t, we will be Parting Ways and I become an Unemployable Dead Man.

Sometimes, out of Thin Air, a SuperSonic Gigaton Lightning Bolt hits you like some Big Wave Force of Nature at the Speed of Sound from the Other Side perhaps even from Light Years away; a roll of God’s Dice creating a Marker in the Sand to Save You. I Smile and remember to Just Breathe.

You Are probably wondering what this Arc of an introduction could possibly do with selling Lincolns? Thinking No Way this is something other than a Wasted Reprise that doesn’t Even Flow. Nothing As It Seems. In Hiding, with a little Sleight of Hand, I am about to remove your Indifference and Come Back to a story you’ll be Leaving Here to take back to your showrooms and sell more cars to customers. A story you won’t Soon Forget if you’ll just: Mind Your Manners, Hold On and Buckle Up.

I was driving around in my Black, Retrograde, Glorified G model MFC with some friends of mine: my Brother Jeremy, My Father’s Son who we called Dirty Frank, and two other guys known as Sweet Lew and Johnny Guitar. Who Ever Said I was just Thumbing my Way through a Life Wasted, the rest of the story is Not for You.

I remember the day well: It was 4/20/02 about Seven O’Clock. We were Gonna See My Friend Lukin who we called the Love Boat Captain and had hair like a Stupid Mop. We needed to pick him up for the game that night against our Rival to see them get a Whipping. We were the Strangest Tribe thinking about our Future Days, Alive in the Present Tense, and still remembering All Those Yesterdays. I decided to Take the Long Way via River Cross. We approached the Last Exit before the one I would take to pick up our friend and then head to the stadium known as the Pendulum Garden.

Why Go this way when the tank was only ½ full? I’m Open to changing things up even if this is usually more of a Never Destination: the scenic route so to speak. I glance in the Rearviewmirror and briefly think “Hey Foxymophandlemama,That’s Me” when Around the Bend we cross paths with a Hitchhiker. He could just as easily have been a Ghost but he was more likely in the Army Reserve based upon last name being displayed on the left chest of his army green Corduroy jacket. He was wearing a Black Red Yellow shirt that reads “W.M.A.” and walking a dog on a Leash.

I am in the Habit of playing Pearl Jam songs while driving. My playlists will often include selections like Breakerfall, Pry, To, Unthought Known, World Wide Suicide, Tremor Christ, U, and the Whale Song so I just Let the Records Play. I was thinking more Of The Girl I call Bee Girl and our Last Kiss than driving at that moment. A Cropduster further distracts me by spraying what almost looks like Parachutes being deployed over the field in the distance to my left. I briefly leave the road headed toward someone’s Porch and I hear a thud. I first thought it must be Nothingman and at most would need to Wash a Red Dot or two off the car after getting home.

Once I grasp what has happened, I realize I Got Some accountability I cannot Release myself from even if I added it to my Wishlist because I see this figure now lying on the ground like he is doing a Pilate pose with Footsteps in the dirt indicating the previous path he was taking. My Faithfull passengers are not Infalliable and start asking me to Spin the Black Circle of each of my four wheels for a Getaway/Quick Escape/Evacuation whatever you’d like to call it and be Gone before we hear any Sirens. “GO” they all scream at me in unison along with “Aye Davanita” from Johnny for some reason. If you have lacked times where you questioned your Immortality, Insignificance, or haven’t wondered Who You Are, it’s situations like these that will force you.

“I’m not sure why you just yelled that at me but you are a Better Man than that, Johnny. This man might have a Daughter or a wife who is some Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town. We have to see if this was Fatal or if he is Alright or at least if any harm can be Undone. Don’t Gimme No Lip. I don’t know if you are your own man but I Am Mine.”

I try to Hail, Hail the man first by calling out to him In My Tree like position perched above him from my car window. It’s really All Or None at this point if I am going to be able to say “Off He Goes” and he can walk away from the situation in a few minutes. I’m hoping he doesn’t hold a Grievance against this driver who has been Given to Fly from time to time while behind the wheel especially while Pearl Jam is playing. For the good of Mankind, I decided I needed to be The Fixer. I Do the Evolution and change from being in the car to outside of it because this is no Inside Job. I perform CPR to the pace of Dance of the Clairvoyants while the tune of Yellow Ledbetter rings in my ears as I do not want him carted off in a box or a bag. I am ultimately successful and save the man’s life.

This seemingly nonsensical story came to mind today while thinking about the new safety features of our Lincolns. How tragic this night could have been for me if this man had died. We now have these collision detection features and sensors when our cars go off the road these days that this wouldn’t have even been a story at all for me to share had I been driving one of our newer Lincolns. The car would have not let me go off the road. I would not have hit a man that I could possibly have killed. All our customers need to be driving Lincolns so at least years from now, they won’t be sitting in a weekly sales meeting with a story like this to tell. The End.